Change

It's been long since I ever came here to express my emotions. I know there're no more readers left, but I'm writing just for a memory.

I'm turning 21st very soon, coming December. I dare not think of my birthday because I know I'll receive no surprises like usual. It doesn't matter.

Officially graduated from Diploma on July, and have been working since then. Permanent part time as an event team leader/coordinator you call that. Been earning decent money, more than I would need, could drive a Honda or Toyota, or sometimes for some months when I have several projects coming together, I could afford BMW. But no, that's not what my parents taught me. I'm driving a Myvi, and pleased with it. And the coolest thing is I do not have to pay for car installments, my parents paid for that, cash term =) We do not have to show the world that we're rich. Keep the money for future use.

2011 has been quite a good year despite loneliness and emptiness that I often feel.

I have achieved my target for this year. (a sense of success)
Thanks God! And of course, thanks to my parents who had been supporting me throughout my college years. If it's not because of them, I'll not have this large amount of saving in bank.

I've 14 days of continuous job, and a project this month and next. Hopefully everything go smooth. I wanna travel a lot next year, broaden my horizon, experience different cultures, taste different food, see more things, know more new friends.... Wondering if I should join flying life as a cabin crew, fly while you travel.
Still deciding......

Late night confession

Not a post of love confession. But it's hatred.

I got no one to talk to and therefore I should blog about my feelings.

I cannot believe how much this guy A**** mattered to me last time and how much he doesn't matter to me right now.

Well we started somewhere around year 2008 and ended some day in June, dragged until Sep for our official break up. I do not like to mention about my past with him because I simply hate him for cheating me.

But right now, I cannot stand a sight of him. Not because of jealousy. But because when I see him, I see my stupidity.

It all ended with all his lies discovered. As far as I could remember, the separation was kinda painful at first, but the pain faded after some time until our official break up, my heart finally died in Sep during our last day of job for Jaz Beer. And I'm most glad.

The reason why I wanna blog about it is because I think blog is like my diary, it'll always be there until I grow old. When I grow old, I can still review my blog and recall my childhood memories.

Well, let's skip the lies part, too many of them.

Let's talk about after the break up. He deleted me and removed me from Facebook with the reason of "don't wanna see Billy's love posts to me", he says he doesn't feel too comfortable seeing them. Okay fine. No money to pay me back RM700, fine. he said he has got no money, and therefore I said I would wait until he gets a job, pay me back later. No problem.

I have a heart, such a pity 25 year old man. With no stable income.

Even the netbook that I got from streamyx, I gave it for FREE to him and I never thought of taking it back.

Still remembered, my mom gave us a pair of glasses, nice frame, my brother wanted it, but I gave it to him instead of my brother.

Now I regret, when I see him, I see my glasses, I see my netbook, and I see my stupidity.

Today I found out that, he has a girl friend, always go for movies, buy food for the girl, treat the girl with nice food. Well I know, he should get his life, I shouldn't destroy. But, can afford to have a new girl friend does it NOT MEAN the money can be returned to me? Only RM700. I'm like a fool to actually believe everything he said, bout feeling sad seeing billy's posts, about not having a job, no money to eat. and I have a heart on him. And what did I find out today??

Sigh, hopeless.

Remember when I was 11, a fortune teller came to my house for the purpose of getting some money, he told me that when I reached the age of 18, I would get cheated. It's so true. I got cheated at the age of 18, right after my 18th birthday. it's soooo true..................

Life's complicated

Life's complicated, like what I'm always saying.

Or maybe it's me who complicate life.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think a lot just because I am afraid to make anymore mistakes in my life.

I've made enough of mistakes, and somehow I regret, cuz I can't turn back.

I know that mistakes make us grow, but, after knowing that it's a mistake and you still repeat it, you're just putting yourself in a dead end. Yes I'm talking about myself, not pointing any finger on any of you. It's myself that's problematic.

I'm confused, I know what I want in life, what kinda man I'm yearning for. And yet I always don't choose according to my requirements, I choose outta loneliness, outta greed. I admit, I know that I'm wrong. But I'm just too used to having someone to lean on, I hate to be alone.

Recently I realised that, it's time for me to be strong and be independent, not to depend on anyone but myself. Sometimes a small mistake may haunt you for years, snatch away sweet dreams and good nights. It's not making me happy, it's just a burden, disallowing me to concentrate on my own stuffs.

Right now, I'm again stuffing my nose into a pool of shit. I find no way to extricate. Suffocating. I want to do what I cannot do, hoping to run away from this place, this country, to a better place, meet better people.

I feel burdened and yet part of me isn't letting myself go. I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

I'm tired of getting sleepless nights, maybe being I'm better off being alone.

People won't understand why I like to complicate things.

But you see, when we were young, we talked about love, we talked about I love you, you love me, love was everything that mattered. But as we age, we talk about conditions. What I have and what I'm looking for. It can't be just LOVE alone. Personality, characteristic, background, stability all take into accounts. It's not that I'm complicating stuffs, it's that I'm growing way too fast than girls at my age. I think of what the soon-to-be married ladies think, I act their way. Cuz I wish to settle down my life, even if it's to get married I'm fine with it, as long as I've a man whom I feel secured with, trustworthy, and godly... I will...

I'm just burdened tonight.

HELLO PEOPLE

Hi, long time no see. Guess what? It's my last subject already!! LAST! on the 5th of July.

LAST, and I hope I pass. This semester with only one subject passed really quick... Just a blink of an eye, it's over. Study break now until the last paper. Then starting from July I will have a lot of exhibitions to handle, hopefully get more projects from other event companies too!! =D

Been thinking a lot of things recently, feel kinda depressed sometimes. I wonder when I become so negative. I hate myself when I spend my whole night thinking of redundant stuffs....Well I guess this is because I'm growing up... and I know I can no longer be a fool. Turning 21st coming December.... I'm quite satisfied with my career and quite surprised with the money I'm earning. But everything never seems to be enough to me, because I always demand for more and more. I can never be contented. Everything that God provides is sufficient but to me I always think it's insufficient.

I guess everything will just be fine if I stop worrying and start living each day as LAST day of my life.

I will try to pursue something new in my life, hopefully I can get it. Then I will have new environment, new friends, everything new new new.....but only if God allows and thinks that it's good for me, I will get it. Or else, I will just be who I am right now.

So wait for me, once I find my life colourful I will always come out posting about life!! My life is just dull right now with nothing much to post! So see ya!!

Happy Chinese New Year

I'm having my holiday right now! No classes no jobs!! Haha. Happy!!!

Can finally sit in front of the lappie, enjoy music, enjoy air cond. Just do nothing.

I'm supposed to be back to SP today but I delay it. I love my room here in PG so I don't feel like going back so soon!

Just done my 4 weeks job. Next month will have 1 more exhibition. Then final exam.

After final exam, I'm left with only 1 subject for my Diploma. I'll be free to work. I guess I will take up as many exhibitions as possible. Maybe 2-3 exibitions/month to keep myself occupied.

Chinese New Year is coming soon!! Hope I get a lot of ang paos this year because I spent way too much on December and also January. A few thousands just in 2 months.

=(

22.12.2010 ; 1.45am

Wondering why am I this late? Because I just fetched my mom and siblings home from Christmas carol and I had quite a heavy supper after my MCDs dinner.

And yes, I'm back to SP. Finally get to rest for a few days after my seem-to-be perpetual events and exhibitions. I will be going to KL for 3 days this weekend and the very next day when I'm back I've to continue with my event. 4 weeks of exhibitions to handle.

This!!! is what I'm handling. Stressful and tiring. But definitely learn a lot and apply what I study into practice. I love my life now. I'm happy to get the opportunity to actually step into the outside world to experience working life even before I graduate from my Diploma. Earn pretty good money and most importantly wonderful experience.

From promoter/show girl transformed to what I'm today I feel successful.

Many people still don't know what I'm doing. Basically I work for events. Not only this, but this is one of those events that I work for.

I've just done this last week and thanks to my beloved staff aka friend - Amely for her hardwork.

4 more weeks of this, 2 weeks at the hotel.

So, you should meet me in my hotel room =p

Just kidding....

Anyway I just got my hair straightened. My hair was straight I know. But I hate the frizziness. That's why I went to straighten it again. Got a pretty good deal!! I'm going to colour my hair as well, will make it really bright this time =)

Overspent this month. I guess because it's December!!

I need facial so badly. Pimples are growing all over my forehead and I feel youthful again even after hitting 20!! LOL

I guess that's all for now!!

30.11.2010 ; 01.00

There's no word to describe my feelings right now.

Blessings are overflowing. More and more good things are coming my way.

I'm done with my finals. And I'm pretty confident that I'll pass all 4 subjects. Left 3 more for my Diploma. Then I'm done. Probably to America. I will have to check out airplane tickets real soon. I have a great feelings that the trip is not gonna work out.

Now talk about what I do everyday?

I don't go back to SP even it's my holiday because I've jobs to do in Penang.

Schedule is full starting from tomorrow to end of December.

In fact very happy for it because I don't have to spend my free time at home spending money and doing nothing.

Everyday wake up in the afternoon, then facebook, thinking of who to go for lunch with.

Everyone has their own lives to live. They have their own people. And I'm all alone. Shop alone, eat alone. Somehow I think I'm really pathetic. I've a lot of friends, a lot of hi-bye friends, a few close friends who have got their own lives to live.

But I'm glad. Everyone is happy. And I guess that's enough.