Change

It's been long since I ever came here to express my emotions. I know there're no more readers left, but I'm writing just for a memory.

I'm turning 21st very soon, coming December. I dare not think of my birthday because I know I'll receive no surprises like usual. It doesn't matter.

Officially graduated from Diploma on July, and have been working since then. Permanent part time as an event team leader/coordinator you call that. Been earning decent money, more than I would need, could drive a Honda or Toyota, or sometimes for some months when I have several projects coming together, I could afford BMW. But no, that's not what my parents taught me. I'm driving a Myvi, and pleased with it. And the coolest thing is I do not have to pay for car installments, my parents paid for that, cash term =) We do not have to show the world that we're rich. Keep the money for future use.

2011 has been quite a good year despite loneliness and emptiness that I often feel.

I have achieved my target for this year. (a sense of success)
Thanks God! And of course, thanks to my parents who had been supporting me throughout my college years. If it's not because of them, I'll not have this large amount of saving in bank.

I've 14 days of continuous job, and a project this month and next. Hopefully everything go smooth. I wanna travel a lot next year, broaden my horizon, experience different cultures, taste different food, see more things, know more new friends.... Wondering if I should join flying life as a cabin crew, fly while you travel.
Still deciding......

Late night confession

Not a post of love confession. But it's hatred.

I got no one to talk to and therefore I should blog about my feelings.

I cannot believe how much this guy A**** mattered to me last time and how much he doesn't matter to me right now.

Well we started somewhere around year 2008 and ended some day in June, dragged until Sep for our official break up. I do not like to mention about my past with him because I simply hate him for cheating me.

But right now, I cannot stand a sight of him. Not because of jealousy. But because when I see him, I see my stupidity.

It all ended with all his lies discovered. As far as I could remember, the separation was kinda painful at first, but the pain faded after some time until our official break up, my heart finally died in Sep during our last day of job for Jaz Beer. And I'm most glad.

The reason why I wanna blog about it is because I think blog is like my diary, it'll always be there until I grow old. When I grow old, I can still review my blog and recall my childhood memories.

Well, let's skip the lies part, too many of them.

Let's talk about after the break up. He deleted me and removed me from Facebook with the reason of "don't wanna see Billy's love posts to me", he says he doesn't feel too comfortable seeing them. Okay fine. No money to pay me back RM700, fine. he said he has got no money, and therefore I said I would wait until he gets a job, pay me back later. No problem.

I have a heart, such a pity 25 year old man. With no stable income.

Even the netbook that I got from streamyx, I gave it for FREE to him and I never thought of taking it back.

Still remembered, my mom gave us a pair of glasses, nice frame, my brother wanted it, but I gave it to him instead of my brother.

Now I regret, when I see him, I see my glasses, I see my netbook, and I see my stupidity.

Today I found out that, he has a girl friend, always go for movies, buy food for the girl, treat the girl with nice food. Well I know, he should get his life, I shouldn't destroy. But, can afford to have a new girl friend does it NOT MEAN the money can be returned to me? Only RM700. I'm like a fool to actually believe everything he said, bout feeling sad seeing billy's posts, about not having a job, no money to eat. and I have a heart on him. And what did I find out today??

Sigh, hopeless.

Remember when I was 11, a fortune teller came to my house for the purpose of getting some money, he told me that when I reached the age of 18, I would get cheated. It's so true. I got cheated at the age of 18, right after my 18th birthday. it's soooo true..................

Life's complicated

Life's complicated, like what I'm always saying.

Or maybe it's me who complicate life.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think a lot just because I am afraid to make anymore mistakes in my life.

I've made enough of mistakes, and somehow I regret, cuz I can't turn back.

I know that mistakes make us grow, but, after knowing that it's a mistake and you still repeat it, you're just putting yourself in a dead end. Yes I'm talking about myself, not pointing any finger on any of you. It's myself that's problematic.

I'm confused, I know what I want in life, what kinda man I'm yearning for. And yet I always don't choose according to my requirements, I choose outta loneliness, outta greed. I admit, I know that I'm wrong. But I'm just too used to having someone to lean on, I hate to be alone.

Recently I realised that, it's time for me to be strong and be independent, not to depend on anyone but myself. Sometimes a small mistake may haunt you for years, snatch away sweet dreams and good nights. It's not making me happy, it's just a burden, disallowing me to concentrate on my own stuffs.

Right now, I'm again stuffing my nose into a pool of shit. I find no way to extricate. Suffocating. I want to do what I cannot do, hoping to run away from this place, this country, to a better place, meet better people.

I feel burdened and yet part of me isn't letting myself go. I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

I'm tired of getting sleepless nights, maybe being I'm better off being alone.

People won't understand why I like to complicate things.

But you see, when we were young, we talked about love, we talked about I love you, you love me, love was everything that mattered. But as we age, we talk about conditions. What I have and what I'm looking for. It can't be just LOVE alone. Personality, characteristic, background, stability all take into accounts. It's not that I'm complicating stuffs, it's that I'm growing way too fast than girls at my age. I think of what the soon-to-be married ladies think, I act their way. Cuz I wish to settle down my life, even if it's to get married I'm fine with it, as long as I've a man whom I feel secured with, trustworthy, and godly... I will...

I'm just burdened tonight.

HELLO PEOPLE

Hi, long time no see. Guess what? It's my last subject already!! LAST! on the 5th of July.

LAST, and I hope I pass. This semester with only one subject passed really quick... Just a blink of an eye, it's over. Study break now until the last paper. Then starting from July I will have a lot of exhibitions to handle, hopefully get more projects from other event companies too!! =D

Been thinking a lot of things recently, feel kinda depressed sometimes. I wonder when I become so negative. I hate myself when I spend my whole night thinking of redundant stuffs....Well I guess this is because I'm growing up... and I know I can no longer be a fool. Turning 21st coming December.... I'm quite satisfied with my career and quite surprised with the money I'm earning. But everything never seems to be enough to me, because I always demand for more and more. I can never be contented. Everything that God provides is sufficient but to me I always think it's insufficient.

I guess everything will just be fine if I stop worrying and start living each day as LAST day of my life.

I will try to pursue something new in my life, hopefully I can get it. Then I will have new environment, new friends, everything new new new.....but only if God allows and thinks that it's good for me, I will get it. Or else, I will just be who I am right now.

So wait for me, once I find my life colourful I will always come out posting about life!! My life is just dull right now with nothing much to post! So see ya!!

Happy Chinese New Year

I'm having my holiday right now! No classes no jobs!! Haha. Happy!!!

Can finally sit in front of the lappie, enjoy music, enjoy air cond. Just do nothing.

I'm supposed to be back to SP today but I delay it. I love my room here in PG so I don't feel like going back so soon!

Just done my 4 weeks job. Next month will have 1 more exhibition. Then final exam.

After final exam, I'm left with only 1 subject for my Diploma. I'll be free to work. I guess I will take up as many exhibitions as possible. Maybe 2-3 exibitions/month to keep myself occupied.

Chinese New Year is coming soon!! Hope I get a lot of ang paos this year because I spent way too much on December and also January. A few thousands just in 2 months.

=(

22.12.2010 ; 1.45am

Wondering why am I this late? Because I just fetched my mom and siblings home from Christmas carol and I had quite a heavy supper after my MCDs dinner.

And yes, I'm back to SP. Finally get to rest for a few days after my seem-to-be perpetual events and exhibitions. I will be going to KL for 3 days this weekend and the very next day when I'm back I've to continue with my event. 4 weeks of exhibitions to handle.

This!!! is what I'm handling. Stressful and tiring. But definitely learn a lot and apply what I study into practice. I love my life now. I'm happy to get the opportunity to actually step into the outside world to experience working life even before I graduate from my Diploma. Earn pretty good money and most importantly wonderful experience.

From promoter/show girl transformed to what I'm today I feel successful.

Many people still don't know what I'm doing. Basically I work for events. Not only this, but this is one of those events that I work for.

I've just done this last week and thanks to my beloved staff aka friend - Amely for her hardwork.

4 more weeks of this, 2 weeks at the hotel.

So, you should meet me in my hotel room =p

Just kidding....

Anyway I just got my hair straightened. My hair was straight I know. But I hate the frizziness. That's why I went to straighten it again. Got a pretty good deal!! I'm going to colour my hair as well, will make it really bright this time =)

Overspent this month. I guess because it's December!!

I need facial so badly. Pimples are growing all over my forehead and I feel youthful again even after hitting 20!! LOL

I guess that's all for now!!

30.11.2010 ; 01.00

There's no word to describe my feelings right now.

Blessings are overflowing. More and more good things are coming my way.

I'm done with my finals. And I'm pretty confident that I'll pass all 4 subjects. Left 3 more for my Diploma. Then I'm done. Probably to America. I will have to check out airplane tickets real soon. I have a great feelings that the trip is not gonna work out.

Now talk about what I do everyday?

I don't go back to SP even it's my holiday because I've jobs to do in Penang.

Schedule is full starting from tomorrow to end of December.

In fact very happy for it because I don't have to spend my free time at home spending money and doing nothing.

Everyday wake up in the afternoon, then facebook, thinking of who to go for lunch with.

Everyone has their own lives to live. They have their own people. And I'm all alone. Shop alone, eat alone. Somehow I think I'm really pathetic. I've a lot of friends, a lot of hi-bye friends, a few close friends who have got their own lives to live.

But I'm glad. Everyone is happy. And I guess that's enough.

Hey morning world

It's 3.22am

I've just done a bit of my revision for International Marketing.

Will continue tomorrow.

I'm the laziest student. I skipped a lot of classes this semester, even when I attended, I paid no attention. I can't believe I can still be THIS last minute.

Study just a day before exam!! However, I find it useful, because I can remember everything that I read. Very fresh in mind.

Recently have been very busy with my events.

After 26.11 will be my rest days =)

But I'm very sure events are coming up.

I'll try my best to gain experience before I really step out of the world to work.

I'm a very independent and strong girl.

I won't be celebrating Christmas this year as I've a confirmed event to handle.

I feel so far away from God now.... More like an Atheist than a Christian.

Haven't been to the church for ages.

Will try to find out about religions during spare time =)

Hope everything goes on smoothly without a hitch from now on,

my studies, my events and so on....

Might be going to USA for 2 weeks - a month if schedule allows.

Sigh, graduating only next year July.

Ah, 1 subject for long semester.

What a waste of time.

Parents suggested that I should continue my degree and then go overseas to complete the last year. Still deciding. All children can't be leaving the home, can we?

=(

原来幸福就那么简单，是我把它想得太复杂。

我最近好烦。工事，学业，友情，没有一样顺利。

大考又要到了。。

我真的很惨。再不读，我就是准备Fail了。。!

哎。。。没心情啊。。

November

November is a busy month.

Just completed all my assignments and now final exam is looming around the corner.

Going crazy soon!!!

2 more weeks of events and I'm done and will rest for 2 weeks to prepare for final.

Only accept jobs after December. I can't fail any subjects!!

28.10

Time flies, October is now coming to an end. Soon, will be my 20's birthday. Then it's time to welcome 2011.

Staring at the laptop screen, thinking of memorable past, listening to classical music.

Only lack a cup of coffee with a good environment.

I could imagine me sitting alone in a cafe where nobody knows me.

Far away from my country,

and it's snowing.

Sitting there, drinking coffee, and thinking of my past, thinking of what I should do in the future.

I hate it when I can't move forward.

I'm always thinking of my pasts and how I wish I could change them.

I know I can't go back, I can't change whatever that has happened.

But...

Part of me...

is still missing the old times....

I feel like leaving, to a place where no one knows me.

Have been quite busy recently with endless assignments.

But still, I managed to find time for "emo".

I'm working on the last assignment right now. Obviously ran outta ideas, so I'm here blogging.

It's been long since I ever posted my photos on my blog,

here's a picture of me, taken by Lynn, in class.

My birthday wish for this year would be

1. whoever owes me money, faster return to me...

2. earn a lot a lot of money and gain more experience.

3. give myself some time to quiet down my mind, probably off this country....

4. 1 coach

5. get myself a good phone...

boring

Online in com lab right now. Nothing to do...
I'm exhausted. I don't know why I wake up so many times at night!!
Keep waking up. I hate the feeling. I feel tired but still I can't sleep.
Skipped monday and tuesday's classes.
Went back to SP last weekend, asked amely to replace me for my job, came back to Penang on Sunday.
Thought I was going to work this week BUT ended up event canceled for a week and only start next week. Wtf.
If I knew earlier I wouldnt have gone back to SP last weekend and would only go back this weekend. Earn less few hundreds, some more spent so much on petrol and toll. GRRRRRRRRRRR
I HATE THIS FEELING
over spent again for this month. it's only 20.10.2010 and i've spent my whole month allowance!!
I know I've money in bank but i hate it when I overspend

Weee~

I'm back!

Just done my F & N event.

It was really fun, I enjoyed myself. Edwin, Claudia, Catherine Yap, Amely, Albert, and Catherine Lim (me).

Job scope was to distribute free drinks to crowds.

Very easy job.

Never knew the feeling could be THIS great.

Adventurous.

I never knew I was this daring.

Awesome is the only word to describe my feelings.

Thanks a lot for the moment and memory.

I love the awkward feeling to the max!

It was once in a life time experience.

Never will it happen again.

I woke up after September ends, I realised that I've moved on. It's a great start.

Damn!

Class started at 11am. Went to college only at 11am, never punctual. always late.

1 more absence will get warning letter! So I can't skip anymore =(

I hate classes so much. But Stella's class is not boring, the way she lectures is kinda interesting.

After class, came back home, cleaned the whole house and my room, received a call from that lady.

Oh, did I mention about knocking a car when I reversed mine in front of Sunrise Mcd's? LOL.

Well, I saw no cars in my front mirror, so I reversed. *bang*

Damn, there was a van behind my car, I didn't see it! Waaa. Ghost covered my eyes man!

The aunty came down from her not-so-fancy van looking panicked, asked for AT LEAST RM200 for this!

I personally thought that the case is not serious, because my car didn't suffer from any "injury". So I told her her low-end van wouldn't cost that much, asked her to take down my phone number and when she wanted to fix it, gimme a call.

She even copied down my IC name, IC number, home addresses(sp & pg). =="

Went to see foreman with her just now.

And guess how much is the price to fix this??

Muahaha,

RM180!!!

Damn, I scrimp and save, barely get myself any TOO expensive food. Never really pamper myself with a dress which costs more than RM180.

And today I've to pay for a careless mistake that I made.

Bloodly RM180. I didn't really bargain with the foreman. He is her relative.

As I age, I realised that I don't like to talk too much to people like that. Friend asked me to bargain with her that I'm just a student, I also don't feel like talking so much to her.

After I heard about the price, I went into my car, took RM180 out, handed to her and just left.

RM180, can go for E & O buffet for 2 persons.

RM180, can get myself many nice dresses.

RM180, can go Genting for 2 days 1 night. Plus food some more.

RM180, can pump petrol for about 2 months!

But it's ok, just treat as I work for nothing for a day.

This kinda tragedy happens only once in a blue moon. Plus it's my first time ever knock on someone's car!

Anyway, Jaz Beer event has officially ended. We only took pictures when we went Alor Star.

I look drunk, but I wasn't. Face turned VERY REDDISH only everytime I drink.

With Nikel, and salesman. Nikel replaced my actual supervisor for 2 days(Alor Star)

Bye....! =)

Last Day of Jaz event

I'm sure I've never mentioned about this event of mine, which I worked for, for only a month. 12days in a month, 3 days in a week. It's Jaz Beer Roving Team. Job scope is to promote new label of that beer. And it's coming to an end today. It's my last day.

Well, speaking about this job, it's my first time of working for a beer company, and probably my last time. You know me, I care about what people think of me.

This job is actually nothing, but I'm sure you think of "something" when you hear "beer girls".

We are not allowed to drink, no hanky panky business will be tolerated. It's not as bad as it sounds. Beer girls.

We are students and we are working just because of the salary, HIGH salary compared to any other jobs. I want the money not because I need it so badly. It's not because I've to pay for my own college fees, also not because I don't get allowance from my parents. I do get. More than I need, but never more than I want. Money is never enough. I want the money for savings, for shopping, for branded bags, for travelling.

Let's not complicate things. And never underestimate any beer girls. My colleague - Ashley, just 18 years old, she is doing A levels in KDU, and guess what?? She obtained 11As for her SPM.

I at least obtained her half okay!!! So you see, not all beer girls are bad.

We all work for money, and no matter how bad the job is, try not to criticize. It's their choice.

If I were given a chance to work as a manager at this age, and get paid GREAT, do you think I would ever wanna work for a beer company? The answer is NO. I'm still young, and events are what I can work for right now. When I grow older, and possess an academic qualification, I will not work for events anymore.

Jaz beer is coming to an end, and guess what, I'm feeling kinda sad about it. I had fun working for this event although it's a bit tiring cuz it starts at 8pm ends at 12am. Or I'm sad because I know that "something" is ending tonight? Or am I feeling sad for the end of the event? I'm not sure.

This job, covers northern region except for sungai petani.

We went over to Bukit Mertajam, Butterworth, Sungai Bakap, Alor Star and Penang Island.

Salesmen were approachable and nice.

Definitely gonna miss this job so much.

Sigh, I've so much more to do.

I've to continue to work for Liese tomorrow 12am-8pm.

I've F & N roving team event to manage and work for. I'm the coordinator, but I'm also a promoter(I hired myself to work so that I can earn both sites!)

I've GAB event waiting for me probably this coming Saturday. And yes, event kinda like clashes with my F & N so I've got ready with my replacement.

I've E commerce assignment to complete, I've not really started it and I feel bad for STILL BLOGGING over here.

I've International Business assignment to complete before end of this month.

I've Personnel Management test, on 7th Oct, chapter 1-7

I've E commerce assignment 2 to complete and hand up before 2nd week of OCT.

I've Marketing assignment to complete, 28th Oct presentation and 4th Nov due date of assignment.

I've YET to photocopy some text books.

I've to get back to SP to fix my car.

I've to get back to SP to catch up with my best friend's life.

I've to hang out with my friends and socialise more.

I've to spend some time feeling sad about the "loss". Probably spend some time crying over the spilt milk. ALONE.

I've to learn how to swim, I've to do more exercise.

I've to get home to get my allowance from both my dad & mom.

Damn, look at my to-do-list!

You must be thinking that I'm insane, why am I pressuring myself at this age? Why am I not enjoying? Let me tell you what, earning money is enjoyable to me, that's why I work.

Building a strong relationship and nurturing love are not easy tasks. They take time.

Knowing that the decision that I'm about to make is RIGHT, but part of me is not letting it go.

I need serious help here.

I know, building trust is so difficult, together we built but he destroyed in a glimpse without guilt.

It hurts me. The pain of separation is haunting me. It's been almost 2 years. But it's the right thing to do. I know it. Why am I still clinging to the wrong path?

Please, I need to sleep. I need to rest.

I should let go of what's BAD.

TIME is everytime I need right now.

当你紧握双手，里面什么也没有；当你打开双手，世界就在你手中。懂得放弃，才能在有限的生命里活得充实、饱满、旺盛!

Think before you leap

I swear I'll think as much as I can before I make any further decision. I'm afraid and scared. I'm tired of love. I'm tired of changing bf.
It's really tough when it comes to choosing life partner. I'm tired of getting hurt and cheated. After failing so many times in my relationships, I realised what mom says is true. That's why I've to pick a guy who is her cup of tea. Get her approval and blessing.
For Christ's sake, I'll think a lot before making any decisions.

hihi ^^

It's Hari Raya eve. Wish all my malay friends "selamat hari raya". Happy and healthy always ^^
Everyone's having their holiday. Lynn's back to KL.
Friends are going to club tonight. And I'm going to work tonight = (
I know it's my choice, but I swear I wouldn't work for any beer events in the future. I'm okay with those events, short term like 1-2 days. NOT okay with a month!!
Hope I get double payment tomorrow!! Weeee.

I'm not gonna work that hard for next month. I'll rest and just concentrate on my assignments!!
Skipped so many classes this week. Especially morning 9am classes.
Just too lazy to wake up. I'm not scared of any subjects this week except for E- commerce!! Cuz lecturer's teaching style and her monotonous tone is really killing me!!

Went to watch Piranna last night with friends. A movie without ending!! It finished in about an hour or 1 hour 10 mins. Damn!!

The very rare teeth showing smile = D LOL

留得青山在，不怕没柴烧

永远要记住妈咪说的这句话：“留得青山在，不怕没柴烧”
提高自己的条件，不用怕没有好前途，不用担心未来老公条件不够好！所以我每天都在学习，如何去把每一件事情做得很好！
人越来越大了，开始觉得妈咪说的话越来越实在。以前还以为她很老土，不明白这社会的进展。现在开始明白她的每一句也是为了我好!没有人比妈咪更疼我了！妈咪，我答应你，只要你健康活着，我不会让你失望！！！我会好好读书，我会好好选个好老公陪我一生。

我会好好的处理每一样事情，我会看好好。
我会照顾自己。不用你们担心。我会把我人生的路走得好好的。虽然有时我会跌倒，但是我会自己爬起来。

我很轻松，总算有勇气把所有属于我们的照片拿了下来。我会很努力的把不好的事情，不好的人给忘掉。未来的日子会更好！
谢谢让我长大的他，让我知道我不能那么轻易相信男人。谢谢他的谎言，让我知道男人撒谎时有多么的恐怖！

tired

Slept at only 5am++ last night. Couldn't sleep well. Woke up at 11am++
Skipped 3 classes.
Gonna work tonight. It's so wrong to skip class for jobs. I know.
That's why I don't wanna work anymore. I wanna quit the roving team job already!
I'm so tired.
Live life easily can already don't have to expect too much. I'm fine as long as all of the people who owe me money pay me back as soon as possible