Late night confession

Not a post of love confession. But it's hatred.

I got no one to talk to and therefore I should blog about my feelings.

I cannot believe how much this guy A**** mattered to me last time and how much he doesn't matter to me right now.

Well we started somewhere around year 2008 and ended some day in June, dragged until Sep for our official break up. I do not like to mention about my past with him because I simply hate him for cheating me.

But right now, I cannot stand a sight of him. Not because of jealousy. But because when I see him, I see my stupidity.

It all ended with all his lies discovered. As far as I could remember, the separation was kinda painful at first, but the pain faded after some time until our official break up, my heart finally died in Sep during our last day of job for Jaz Beer. And I'm most glad.

The reason why I wanna blog about it is because I think blog is like my diary, it'll always be there until I grow old. When I grow old, I can still review my blog and recall my childhood memories.

Well, let's skip the lies part, too many of them.

Let's talk about after the break up. He deleted me and removed me from Facebook with the reason of "don't wanna see Billy's love posts to me", he says he doesn't feel too comfortable seeing them. Okay fine. No money to pay me back RM700, fine. he said he has got no money, and therefore I said I would wait until he gets a job, pay me back later. No problem.

I have a heart, such a pity 25 year old man. With no stable income.

Even the netbook that I got from streamyx, I gave it for FREE to him and I never thought of taking it back.

Still remembered, my mom gave us a pair of glasses, nice frame, my brother wanted it, but I gave it to him instead of my brother.

Now I regret, when I see him, I see my glasses, I see my netbook, and I see my stupidity.

Today I found out that, he has a girl friend, always go for movies, buy food for the girl, treat the girl with nice food. Well I know, he should get his life, I shouldn't destroy. But, can afford to have a new girl friend does it NOT MEAN the money can be returned to me? Only RM700. I'm like a fool to actually believe everything he said, bout feeling sad seeing billy's posts, about not having a job, no money to eat. and I have a heart on him. And what did I find out today??

Sigh, hopeless.

Remember when I was 11, a fortune teller came to my house for the purpose of getting some money, he told me that when I reached the age of 18, I would get cheated. It's so true. I got cheated at the age of 18, right after my 18th birthday. it's soooo true..................

Life's complicated

Life's complicated, like what I'm always saying.

Or maybe it's me who complicate life.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think a lot just because I am afraid to make anymore mistakes in my life.

I've made enough of mistakes, and somehow I regret, cuz I can't turn back.

I know that mistakes make us grow, but, after knowing that it's a mistake and you still repeat it, you're just putting yourself in a dead end. Yes I'm talking about myself, not pointing any finger on any of you. It's myself that's problematic.

I'm confused, I know what I want in life, what kinda man I'm yearning for. And yet I always don't choose according to my requirements, I choose outta loneliness, outta greed. I admit, I know that I'm wrong. But I'm just too used to having someone to lean on, I hate to be alone.

Recently I realised that, it's time for me to be strong and be independent, not to depend on anyone but myself. Sometimes a small mistake may haunt you for years, snatch away sweet dreams and good nights. It's not making me happy, it's just a burden, disallowing me to concentrate on my own stuffs.

Right now, I'm again stuffing my nose into a pool of shit. I find no way to extricate. Suffocating. I want to do what I cannot do, hoping to run away from this place, this country, to a better place, meet better people.

I feel burdened and yet part of me isn't letting myself go. I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

I'm tired of getting sleepless nights, maybe being I'm better off being alone.

People won't understand why I like to complicate things.

But you see, when we were young, we talked about love, we talked about I love you, you love me, love was everything that mattered. But as we age, we talk about conditions. What I have and what I'm looking for. It can't be just LOVE alone. Personality, characteristic, background, stability all take into accounts. It's not that I'm complicating stuffs, it's that I'm growing way too fast than girls at my age. I think of what the soon-to-be married ladies think, I act their way. Cuz I wish to settle down my life, even if it's to get married I'm fine with it, as long as I've a man whom I feel secured with, trustworthy, and godly... I will...

I'm just burdened tonight.

HELLO PEOPLE

Hi, long time no see. Guess what? It's my last subject already!! LAST! on the 5th of July.

LAST, and I hope I pass. This semester with only one subject passed really quick... Just a blink of an eye, it's over. Study break now until the last paper. Then starting from July I will have a lot of exhibitions to handle, hopefully get more projects from other event companies too!! =D

Been thinking a lot of things recently, feel kinda depressed sometimes. I wonder when I become so negative. I hate myself when I spend my whole night thinking of redundant stuffs....Well I guess this is because I'm growing up... and I know I can no longer be a fool. Turning 21st coming December.... I'm quite satisfied with my career and quite surprised with the money I'm earning. But everything never seems to be enough to me, because I always demand for more and more. I can never be contented. Everything that God provides is sufficient but to me I always think it's insufficient.

I guess everything will just be fine if I stop worrying and start living each day as LAST day of my life.

I will try to pursue something new in my life, hopefully I can get it. Then I will have new environment, new friends, everything new new new.....but only if God allows and thinks that it's good for me, I will get it. Or else, I will just be who I am right now.

So wait for me, once I find my life colourful I will always come out posting about life!! My life is just dull right now with nothing much to post! So see ya!!