Life's complicated

Life's complicated, like what I'm always saying.

Or maybe it's me who complicate life.

I don't know.

Sometimes I think a lot just because I am afraid to make anymore mistakes in my life.

I've made enough of mistakes, and somehow I regret, cuz I can't turn back.

I know that mistakes make us grow, but, after knowing that it's a mistake and you still repeat it, you're just putting yourself in a dead end. Yes I'm talking about myself, not pointing any finger on any of you. It's myself that's problematic.

I'm confused, I know what I want in life, what kinda man I'm yearning for. And yet I always don't choose according to my requirements, I choose outta loneliness, outta greed. I admit, I know that I'm wrong. But I'm just too used to having someone to lean on, I hate to be alone.

Recently I realised that, it's time for me to be strong and be independent, not to depend on anyone but myself. Sometimes a small mistake may haunt you for years, snatch away sweet dreams and good nights. It's not making me happy, it's just a burden, disallowing me to concentrate on my own stuffs.

Right now, I'm again stuffing my nose into a pool of shit. I find no way to extricate. Suffocating. I want to do what I cannot do, hoping to run away from this place, this country, to a better place, meet better people.

I feel burdened and yet part of me isn't letting myself go. I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

I'm tired of getting sleepless nights, maybe being I'm better off being alone.

People won't understand why I like to complicate things.

But you see, when we were young, we talked about love, we talked about I love you, you love me, love was everything that mattered. But as we age, we talk about conditions. What I have and what I'm looking for. It can't be just LOVE alone. Personality, characteristic, background, stability all take into accounts. It's not that I'm complicating stuffs, it's that I'm growing way too fast than girls at my age. I think of what the soon-to-be married ladies think, I act their way. Cuz I wish to settle down my life, even if it's to get married I'm fine with it, as long as I've a man whom I feel secured with, trustworthy, and godly... I will...

I'm just burdened tonight.